I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
