did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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