You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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