I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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