Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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