a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
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