last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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