People with herpes should wear stickers.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
