plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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