Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
God, I missed his penis.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
