he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
