Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
