Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
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