shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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