tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
