im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
