i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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