First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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