i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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