My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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