'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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