The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Is Oprah even human
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize