Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
