I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
