Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Randomize
