I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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