the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
