There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
