Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Randomize
