Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
