So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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