I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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