WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
