angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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