I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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