I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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