1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
