It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Randomize
