bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
