If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
