Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
