Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
