How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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