He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
