Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
