when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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