i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I lost the right to judge tonight
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
