I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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