hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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