How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
