the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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